The Love Guru

I saw The Love Guru the other night at the local Cinema 10 (otherwise known at the Pecanland mall theater). I want to make it clear that I did not want to see this movie, I only saw it because I needed to write a review for a movie and really did not want to see The Happening with Joe and John. So basically I went into this movie with the sole purpose of writing a review for it later. Even though I had heard negative reviews about the movie, I went into with an open mind and an open heart. I loved the Austin Powers trilogy and I was willing to give Mike Myers a shot to prove to me that he was still funny.

The movie was scheduled to begin at 7:20 and I walked in at 7:30ish expecting to see the opening credits, instead I got a black screen that showed the movie for a split second. I immediately regretted spending the $4.50 it cost me to get a ticket for this even more than I did already. I waited patiently with the other 6 people in my theater for the movie to reappear. I told myself that at 8:00 I was going to get up and ask for a refund, but of course as I was getting up, the movie finally appears on the screen. This already had me in a less than happy mood, but I tried, I swear I tried to give this movie a real chance.

A brief plot synopsis: A self help specialist or "guru" from India (Mike Myers) is summoned by the Toronto Maple Leafs and their owner (Jessica Alba) in order to help their star player regain his confidence so that they can win the Stanley Cup. Yes, it is partly a sports movie, who knew? In order to regain to help the superstar regain his swagger, the "guru" is given the task of reuniting the superstar and his former girlfriend, who currently dating the goalie of the opposing team (Timberlake).

Now, as I watched the movie, I took some notes by keeping count of certain things in the movie. And now I present to you my in-depth and highly scientific notes taken during The Love Guru,

-3 half-chuckles
-2 chuckles
-2 laughs
-1 lol omg that was legitimately funny moment (this was provided by Steven Colbert's character)
-6 idiotic celebrity cameos including Val Kilmer, Jessica Simpson, some lady from Law and Order, Oprah, Mike Myers, and Kanye West, all playing themselves.
-5 fart jokes
-1 career dying in front of my eyes (Myers)
-1 Driving Mrs. Daisy reference (who the fuck in their target audience were they expecting to catch this???)
-1 celeb I was disappointed in (Colbert, until he provided me with the aforementioned moment)
-1 "damn Jessica Alba is HOT" moment (which was disappointing, I was expecting at least 3)
-2 fucking elephants
-1 Steve Miller Band sing-along (WTF????)

So as you can see this movie nearly had it all!..., or not. This movie seemed like it was made by a 13 year old kid who was trying to make a movie that his 18 year old brother would find funny. The movie was filled with stupidity but it did not make me angry. Instead I just felt sad watching Mike Myers trying to be funny. It was pitiful really. The script was bad, the delivery was worse, which spells disaster for a comedy in which script and delivery are highly important. The Love Guru was a complete mess of movie and really a poor showing from everyone involved.

2.5/10

Iron Man

As a movie buff (buff rhymes with muff) and a comic book reader (though I don't really know anything about the Marvel side of things) I can honestly say that Iron Man is the best comic book movie I've seen pretty much ever (except for Batman Begins). It was just great all around, for the most part at least.

Robert Downey, Jr. stars as billionaire weapons designer, Tony Stark. He's an arrogant chauvinist capitalist who witnesses his weapons in the hands of terrorists killing American soldiers. After being kidnapped by said terrorists and nearly killed but a piece of shrapnel in his heart, he is forced to build them a supermega rocket. But he doesn't. In stead, he makes a suit. A suit made of awesomeness and scrap metal which he uses to kick ass and bust up out of the cave of his imprisonment.

So, he gets back to America and turns his life around. But not really. He's still arrogant (what billionaire wouldn't be?) What he does attempt to do though is stop making weapons. Then blahdy blah blah... he becomes a super hero. But let's get to what I loved about it.

The action is exciting and very cool-looking and the humor is clever and funny but not distracting. John Favreau really did a great job writing and directing here.

The acting was awesome. Downey is great, and from what I hear, pretty dead on as Tony Stark. Everyone else does a good job as well, especially Jeff Bridges who I didn't even recognise the first time he was on screen. Samuel L. Jackson has a cameo after the credits where he plays himself, I mean Nick Furry, one-eyed Director of S.H.I.E.L.D. and procedes to give Marvel fanboys boners.

Iron Man went way above and beyond my expectations and left me anticipating the sequel and the forthcoming Avengers movie. And the best part is that it was just the beginning of what looks to be an awesome summer movie season. The Dark Knight, I'm looking at you!

9/10

Jumper

Let me say this first: I did not go to a theater and pay money to see this Jumper. I watched a bootleg hosted by Google Video.

Let me say this second: Jumper stinks. It's essentially a wish-fulfillment jerkoff fantasy for 14-year-old boys about a protagonist and antagonist that are both so ill-defined and morally ambiguous that there is no reason to give a fuck who wins. It's about a little psychopathic brat that lives a glamorous and consequence-free life and gets what he wants.

I'll start off with the protagonist, David Rice played by Anakin Skywalker. The movie starts with him narrating his childhood. Apparently, he was once and normal person, a "chump, just like you." He had an abusive relationship with his father and ran away from home once he discovered his powers. Now, you may be thinking "Oh, good for him!" but no, trust me, he's a prick. A prime example of this prickery would be a scene early in the film when you see him sitting in front of his TV in his swanky New York apartment when a news report about a flood killing people in some third-world country comes on. Now, when I saw this, I thought he was going to use his power to help those helpless people. Nope. He watches the report, smirks, and walks over to a closet where he keeps all his stolen money (neatly on shelves like it's fucking Missy Elliot's shoes), and pockets a few thousand dollars. Whether or not that little trick was deliberate or not, this humble review cannot say, but it's fucked up.

Meanwhile, while David is fucking around around the world - on top of the Sphinx, hanging off the minute hand of Big Ben, sucking his own cock off camera somewhere - an inexplicably shiny-white-haired Samuel L. Jackson is looking for him. Why? To kill him. Why? Because he's part if this vaguely religious group called the "Pallidins" dedicated to eradicating all the jumpers in the world. Why? Fuck if I know. The movie certainly doesn't try to justify it, or anything for that matter. The story is filled with scenes that just sort of turn into other scenes. Actions that just sort of happen, with no apparent motivation or influence or purpose. Everything just happens, for no reason. And the filmmakers obviously didn't feel it was necessary give any reasons. It's a mess (so is this review, don't you think?) and it ruins the film more than the emotionless acting and the already flimsy plot.

Boo.

Now, I understand that Jumper is based on a novel of the same name. I also understand that said novel is pretty good and that the film deviates so much from it, that the two are nearly unrecognizable as being related at all. So, if you feel so inclined, check out the book. But skip the film.

In closing, Jumper is a lazy, immature action movie styled and modeled to appeal to the lowest common denominator and 14-year-old boys. Its story is sloppy. Its action is shiny (as is SLJ's hair). And its characters are one dimensional douchebags.

Boo.

2/10

A Few Good Men

After a long hiatus due mostly to all of our research papers being due in English class this week, we are back and hopefully we will get some new reviews and thoughts on here for all 4 of our loyal fans out there.



"You want the truth?"

Tonight I watched the 1992 movie A Few Good Men on TNT. While I usually would not review a rated R movie that I saw on network TV, I am going to make an exception in this case just to make a much needed new post. First of all a quick plot summary: young hotshot JAG lawyer is assigned to a case involving the death of a marine in Guantanamo Bay. The accused are two other marines who claim that they were only following orders. The trial and events leading up to the trial ensue.

The thing that jumps out about the this movie is the amount of big name actors involved. With names like Cruise, Nicholson, Moore, Bacon, and Sutherland, this is a star-studded affair to say the least. And thats not even mentioning Kevin Pollack or a cameo from Cuba Gooding. With all of the talent in this movie, one would think that the acting would be lights out, but in my opinion it was hit or miss at best. Cruise progressed as the movie went along but was unspectacular until the court scene. Nicholson did a solid job in a role that did not require too much real talent. Cruise and Nicholson did have good chemistry on screen and were fun to watch when together. Moore gave a stoic unemotional performance and had little to no chemistry with the other actors. Bacon and Sutherland were decent, but nothing to write home about. Most of the other supporting acting was ho-hum, with the exception of little known Wolgang Bodison who played the role of Lance Cpl. Harold W. Dawson, one of the accused marines. I thought that he did a great job portraying his character and easily outperformed every big name actor in the movie.

The script in the movie was fairy well-written for the most part. It did its primary job of getting me interested in plot. However, the attempts at humor were pitiful and painful to watch. The court scene though is where the script really comes into its own. One of, if not the best written court cases that I have seen on screen. I really enjoyed the way it was paced and the quick wit used by Cruise's character. That was fun to watch.

Overall, this was an average movie. The acting was not what it should have been. The script was pretty good but not outstanding. I liked the plot of the movie even though it was predictable at times. The court scene and the plight of the accused marines saved this movie for me personally and made it somewhat enjoyable.

Overall Rating: 6.5/10

"YOU CAN'T HANDLE THE TRUTH"

Cloverfield

It's not very often that a movie surprises and impresses me the way "Cloverfield" did. It happened with "No Country for Old Men," and I guess it happened with "Juno" (to a lesser extent), but with "Cloverfield," I was really just blown away. I can't remeber a movie built up with so much hype for so many months that actually delivered. This is the second best movie I've seen in years.

Now I'm done blowing it and I'll review the movie.

As far as direction and acting, I think it was very well done. Everything seemed very realistic and believable and I enjoyed watching every second of it. As for everything else, I've never seen such a clusterfuck of insanity, both in the events on screen and in the presentation. The shakey camera didn't bother me personally, but in the majority of reviews out there, it was mentioned to give audiences headaches and motion sickness, and in some cases go behind curtains and explode.

Go into this movie with an open mind and let yourself have fun. Unless you are a sourpuss, you should love it.

9/10

In the Name of the King

Uwe Boll sucks... Whoever keeps giving him scripts to make movies from needs to stop. In the Name of the King sucked! I didn't stay for the whole 2 hour 7 minute feature but after the first hour I had seen enough. Jason Statham is called Farmer in the movie. That's stupid. He should stick to acting in fighting movies like transporter and his role was terrible. Burt Reynolds should stay out of movies like this and keep to the Longest Yard. The creatures reminded me of ninja turtles that tried to dress up like orcs from the Lord of the Rings. I actually thought of the Lord of the Rings during the movie. I thought, how can people make the monsters in one movie look real and in another movie made more recently with more technology come up with shit. The monsters looked fake and the movie fucking sucked. Ray Liotta did bad acting along with everyone in the movie. Those of you thinking about seeing this movie, don't. AVPR, a very weak movie, is a thousand times more entertaining. I hate this movie so much I am having trouble writing about it. When Statham and his companions come to a bridge that was destroyed by the monsters, but the monsters left a rope tied across, they zip-line across it. His companions fall over 100 feet into rocky rapids and come out unharmed. The jokes attempted are fucking horrible. I'm done writing about this bullshit.

0.7/10

No Country for Old Men

I first heard about "No Country for Old Men" a few months ago. I'd never heard of the book or Cormac McCarthy, it's writer, but I saw the Cohen Brothers' names attached and was immediately interested. I've been a fan of theirs for a while now and oddly enough, I think "Raising Arizona" is one of my earliest movie memories apart from Walt Disney stuff when I was a kid (or a younger one). I feel like I have an idea of what to expect from them. I kept hearing all these fantastic things about the movie, about the actors, and about the story in general. So I went in expecting something good.

I was blown away. It was one of the most intense, darkly funny, beautiful, and expertly made films I've seen in a long, long time, and undoubtedly the best in 2007.

I don't want to talk about the story, but I will say this: Javier Bardem, as Anton Chigurh, will freak you out. He will make you want to cringe and laugh at the same time.



See this movie. If it isn't playing anymore, then hide away some money and get ready for the DVD.

Final Rating: 10/10

Also check out:
"Fargo"
"The Big Lebowski"

Juno

Hello, my name is Dylan and I will be kicking off this brand new blog in style by reviewing the most recent movie that I have seen in theaters, Juno. I was not able to see Juno until a few weeks after it had been released, so I already knew about its lofty rating on rottentomatoes and I also knew that Roger Ebert had deemed it his favorite film of 2007. Because of the aforementioned factors I went into the movie with pretty high expectations.

I am happy to say that Juno fully lived up to my expectations and was a wonderful movie. There are so many great things about the movie, but my favorite part was the performance of Ellen Page as Juno, the sixteen-year old girl who is accidentally impregnated by her friend. She did an outstanding job making the role of Juno really come alive to the audience. Her performance was refreshing to say the least. The supporting roles, led by Micheal Cera as her friend Beaker and Allison Janney as her stepmother, were also very strong. Janney almost always provided a laugh during the limited time that she was on screen and Cera played the role of the dorky guy who has a crush on the girl to a T.

The writer of Juno, Diablo Cody, did a fine job on the script and is up for many awards because of it. The script really made Juno's situation feel very real and believable, as if it could have just as easily happened to someone that you know. This is important to an audience because it allows you to become more emotionally attached to the movie. However, my only small negatives regarding this movie are because of the script. I have two small problems. Numeber 1, I know that the language used by Juno is supposed to be "hip" and whatnot, but I just feel like Cody went a bit overboard with the "hip" language because it sort of takes the audience out of the movie because they can not comprehend some of the words that are coming out of the characters' mouths. I mean, I'm 17 years old, and I still could not understand some of that "hip" language. My other problem with the script is the outrageous amount of rock and pop culture knowledge that Juno possessed. While I do understand that it adds to the character, I feel like the movie would have been a little better if the vast amount of pop culture references would have been toned down just a little bit.

All in all, I truly enjoyed Juno. I would recommend it to anyone who is tired of seeing the same old popcorn movies every week. It was a romantic and funny movie that appeals to all ages. With outstanding acting, a good script, and not to a mention a really a great soundtrack, Juno is a really good movie that will surely cause you to leave the theater with a big smile on your face.

FINAL RATING: 8/10