Let me say this first: I did not go to a theater and pay money to see this Jumper. I watched a bootleg hosted by Google Video.
Let me say this second: Jumper stinks. It's essentially a wish-fulfillment jerkoff fantasy for 14-year-old boys about a protagonist and antagonist that are both so ill-defined and morally ambiguous that there is no reason to give a fuck who wins. It's about a little psychopathic brat that lives a glamorous and consequence-free life and gets what he wants.
I'll start off with the protagonist, David Rice played by Anakin Skywalker. The movie starts with him narrating his childhood. Apparently, he was once and normal person, a "chump, just like you." He had an abusive relationship with his father and ran away from home once he discovered his powers. Now, you may be thinking "Oh, good for him!" but no, trust me, he's a prick. A prime example of this prickery would be a scene early in the film when you see him sitting in front of his TV in his swanky New York apartment when a news report about a flood killing people in some third-world country comes on. Now, when I saw this, I thought he was going to use his power to help those helpless people. Nope. He watches the report, smirks, and walks over to a closet where he keeps all his stolen money (neatly on shelves like it's fucking Missy Elliot's shoes), and pockets a few thousand dollars. Whether or not that little trick was deliberate or not, this humble review cannot say, but it's fucked up.
Meanwhile, while David is fucking around around the world - on top of the Sphinx, hanging off the minute hand of Big Ben, sucking his own cock off camera somewhere - an inexplicably shiny-white-haired Samuel L. Jackson is looking for him. Why? To kill him. Why? Because he's part if this vaguely religious group called the "Pallidins" dedicated to eradicating all the jumpers in the world. Why? Fuck if I know. The movie certainly doesn't try to justify it, or anything for that matter. The story is filled with scenes that just sort of turn into other scenes. Actions that just sort of happen, with no apparent motivation or influence or purpose. Everything just happens, for no reason. And the filmmakers obviously didn't feel it was necessary give any reasons. It's a mess (so is this review, don't you think?) and it ruins the film more than the emotionless acting and the already flimsy plot.
Boo.
Now, I understand that Jumper is based on a novel of the same name. I also understand that said novel is pretty good and that the film deviates so much from it, that the two are nearly unrecognizable as being related at all. So, if you feel so inclined, check out the book. But skip the film.
In closing, Jumper is a lazy, immature action movie styled and modeled to appeal to the lowest common denominator and 14-year-old boys. Its story is sloppy. Its action is shiny (as is SLJ's hair). And its characters are one dimensional douchebags.
Boo.
2/10
